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(Posted January 27, 2012)
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WHEN THE MENTAL PAIN IS
JUST TOO MUCH
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I've been in a funk all week. I thought it would go away, but there's a
pall hanging over me, and it may last forever.
It doesn't make a lot of sense. My life is fine. My
family is fine. Business is good. Everyone close to me is healthy. So what
is it?
Fortunately, I have my wife to rely on in these
desperate times. Seeing me suffer couldn't be easy on her, but like all
loving and supportive wives, she rose to the occasion.
"Get over it," she said. "It's just
a stupid football game."... (continue)
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LOVE IT WHEN THEY COME,
LOVE IT WHEN THEY GO
(Posted Jan 5, 2012)
The Christmas holidays are
over, and the children have flown south to return to school and jobs,
leaving my wife and I all alone in our empty house...
-
FREEDOM COMES IN MANY STYLES
(Posted December 20, 2011)
As my golden years become
closer, I decided it was time for a monumental change in my life. Knowing
it would be a shock to my wife....
-
BUYING STOCKS FOR DUMMIES
(Posted November 28, 2011)
I was on the phone with my very dear friend.
"Any interest in having the most expensive lunch of your life?"
I asked....
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WHEN I'M OLD, LET ME BE A DOG
(Posted October 26, 2011)
I've always prescribed to
that old Jewish proverb that states "Life begins when the kids leave
home and the dog dies."...
-
A BATTLE FOR THE AGES
(Posted October 5, 2011)
A new
hairdo, a spray-on tan, a facial, working out almost every
day---obviously, my wife was having an affair....
-
A CAREER IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE
(Posted September 8, 2011)
My 21 year old son
called the other day from San Diego, and gave me some news that had me
bubbling with parental pride...
-
DON'T LET FACTS GET IN THE WAY
(Posted Aug 25, 2011)
I
was having lunch the other day with a good friend of mine, and naturally
the conversation turned to the distressing state of the economy.
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PRACTICE RANDOM
ACTS OF MEANNESS?
(Posted August 4, 2011)
My
wife and I were in New York last week to visit our oldest daughter and
celebrate her 30th birthday, which makes no sense because I just turned 30 a
few years ago. Or so it seems...
-
KIDS ARE KIDS,
NO MATTER WHAT
(Posted July 12, 2011)
We were in the heart of the
Carmel Valley a couple of weeks ago, in an area called The Preserve. It is
a private community of 300 homesites...
-
SAVING THE WORLD CAN BE DANGEROUS
(Posted June 28, 2011)
A few weeks ago, I decided
it was time to save the world, or at least a small part of it. I told my
wife that we were going to work at an orphanage...
-
VIVA LAS VEGAS--- OR NOT
(Posted May 31, 2011)
One of the great joys of being
a parent is getting drunk with your kids. So when my youngest son invited
me to Las Vegas ...
-
A MAN AND HIS SOFA WILL NEVER PART
(Posted May 10, 2011)
There is a
difference between men and women. If there was any doubt, it was proven on
the sales floor of a huge furniture warehouse a couple of weeks ago...
-
WANTED: ELIGIBLE BACHELORS
(Posted April 11, 2011)
As our two
daughters grow perilously close to the ripe old age of 30, I'm beginning
to think that arranged marriages might not be such a bad idea...
-
WATCHING WEIGHT FOR THE LAST HURRAH
(Posted March 21, 2011)
As I get closer and
closer to the ripe old age of 60, it has become increasing clear to me
that my time is almost up....
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HUNTING SHARKS IS NOT FOR WEENIES
(Posted March 2, 2011)
I can't think of a
more terrifying way to die than to be eaten by a shark. But I'm here to
tell you that I stared that shark, and certain death...
-
DOUBLE TROUBLE IN THE BEDROOM
(Posted February 11, 2011)
My wife and I visited some
friends last week for a quick two-night trip. When they graciously showed
us to our room, we were not pleased....
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A FIELD TRIP LIKE NO OTHER
(Posted January 26, 2011)
I dropped my
little boy off for his first day at his new school last week. And by gosh,
wouldn't you know it, he was already off on a field trip, even though it
was only the first day....
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WHEN IN DOUBT, PLAY THE LIFE CARD
(Posted January 13, 2011)
Since our two boys are off
to college, and their room has always smelled like a gymnasium, I decided
a few weeks ago to turn it into one...
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THIS OLD DOG LIKES NEW TRICKS
(Posted December 30, 2010)
One of the
many things that fascinates me about life is that in my sixth decade of
living, I can discover something that I could and should have been doing
for the last 50 years...
-
THE STUFF DREAMS ARE MADE OF
(Posted December 17, 2011)
I woke up the other morning
and announced to my wife that I now knew what it felt like to go through
childbirth....
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GIVE ME A NAME, ANY NAME
(Posted December 2, 1010)
After spending almost
every waking moment with my wife for three straight weeks (while traveling
overseas), I'm happy to report that I have come up with a term of
endearment for her....
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BACK TO VIETNAM FOR THE FIRST TIME
(Posted November 19, 2010)
It was 38 years
ago, when I turned 18, that I got my draft number from the Selective
Service Bureau. At the time, the lottery system was in place....
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DON'T ALWAYS SAY NO TO DRUGS
(Posted November 11, 2010)
I'm a
big believer in that old adage I first heard from my sister's mother-in-law
as she haughtily boarded a plane before everyone else....
- THE ONLY GOOD SONG IS AN OLD SONG
(Posted October 29, 2010)
Not one to miss out on a hot
new trend, I decided the other day to get an Ipod. Actually, I have
one of those newfangled Iphones, and I finally...
- WHERE HAVE ALL THE READERS GONE?
(Posted October 6, 2010)
My first book,
"Kids, Dogs and Other Pests," was released worldwide a
couple of weeks ago, and sales have been a bit slow....
- SLEEPING YOUR LIFE AWAY
(Posted September 23, 2010)
I was right in the middle
of devouring a cheeseburger the other day when my wife reminded me
that she was going to outlive me...
- Next Time I'll Check the Rating
(Posted September 16, 2010)
We were
in the foothills of Quebec a couple of weeks ago, visiting my wife's
mother. At 87 years old, she doesn't get out much ....
- The Miracle of Antibes
(Posted September 8, 2010)
I was at some
function the other day, and a poor soul who was trying to be somewhat
social made the mistake of asking me if I had a favorite place in the
world....
- Puppies Just Want to Have Fun
(Posted January 3, 2010)
For some
inexplicable reason, my wife is in a hurry to become a Grandmother. I
could easily wait 30 or 40 years, but she is ready right now...
- 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE CRANKY'
(Posted December 14, 2009)
My wife, who would not make a
very good nurse, was rather unimpressed when I told her a couple of
days ago that I had a disease....
- IT'S NOT EASY BEING POPULAR
(Posted December 06, 2009)
I resisted for a long
time, but I finally joined the Facebook cult. I created an account,
and within minutes I was one of them...
- Hoe to Waste a Day in RIO
(Posted Nov 23, 2009)
We were on the
tail end of our three week adventure in South America. Only a couple
of days to go. Everything had gone beautifully...
- A LITTLE ROCKING, NOT ENOUGH ROLLING
(Posted November 14, 2009)
As part of
our South American adventure, we planned a three-night cruise around
Cape Horn, which is pretty much the end of the world...
- EATING UP THE LATIN CULTURE
(Posted November 3, 2009)
Our oldest daughter, who
has been around the world and done stuff like eat tarantulas in
Cambodia, decided she was going to ....
- The Bridge Only Goes One Way
(Posted October 16, 2009)
My wife is aging before my
eyes. Not physically, of course, but mentally. She's clearly concerned
about the years taking a toll on her brain....
- The Dog that Wouldn't Die
(Posted October 2, 2009)
I feel a little guilty writing about my dog again, but then I saw that a
former Chronicle columnist...
- Who Says I ain't Got No Culture?
(Posted September 18, 2009)
We made the
plans back in June. Five days in New York visiting our 26 year old
daughter...
- Aging Well can be Very Rewarding
(Posted August 31, 2009)
I have a good friend who is
turning 70 this year. He is a prime physical specimen, looking and ...
- Bicycling is a Pain in the Butt
(Posted August 15, 2009)
A few years ago, when my
daughters were teenagers, we were in some resort town and...
- Joe Pinecrest does it Again
(Posted July 29, 2009)
I remember when the San
Francisco Chronicle made a big deal about my father celebrating...
- Real Men Do Yoga
(Posted July 9, 2009)
I got up from my
chair the other evening and headed for the refrigerator for a late
night....
- A Sucker Born Every Minute
(Posted June 26, 2009)
The invitation came in
the mail, and it was hard to resist---four days and three nights
at....
- A Love Story from the Heart
(Posted June 5, 2009)
This is a love story, and
like many love stories, it's a little painful to tell. My heart is
still sore...
- It's a Dog's Life---Let him Go
(Posted May 21, 2009)
I've got some
exciting news about our two little pugs---Lucy (the smartest dog in
the world) and Rocko (the stupidest dog in the world)...
- Baseball and Aliens don't Always Mix
(Posted April 29, 2009)
Most
people don't realize how difficult it is to be married to a foreigner, or
for a foreigner to be...
- A Life of Crime Comes Calling
(Posted April 8, 2009)
I am a criminal. I
break the law every day, and I'm proud of it. The dirty rotten cops
caught me...
- The End of the Recession
(Posted March 19, 2009)
"Aren't
you going to congratulate me on my incredible financial foresight?" I
asked my wife...
- No Good Plan Goes Unpunished
(Posted Feb 27, 2009)
For reasons unknown, I
have been designated the official vacation planner in our family...
- Rise up, Young Man, Rise up
(Posted Jan 29, 2009)
My oldest son is
no longer a teenager. He turned 20 yesterday, and I only had
one...
- The Slippery Slope of Gratitude
(Posted Jan 10, 2009)
It is usually
around early December when I begin whining about the weather. A couple
of days...
- Question: to Buy or Not to Buy
(Posted December 18, 2008)
"I've
decided what I want for my birthday this year," my wife said to
me a couple of weeks...
- Shut up and Keep Sniffing
(Posted October 16, 2008)
With only a few weeks to
go before the presidential election, and emotions running...
- I Can Fly, I Can Fly
(Posted October 2, 2008)
I have been
afraid of flying ever since my first flight at the tender age of four,
when my...
- I Want those Genes
(Posted September 18, 2008)
The initial
invitation was for the wedding dinner. We were invited to share in the
celebration of...
- My Phone's Faster than your Phone
(Posted August 8, 2008)
My 18 year old
son walked by the other day, texting feverishly on his stupid little
Apple I...
- Can you See me Now?
(Posted July 8, 2008)
I've done it. After 54
years, I've managed to become invisible. It wasn't easy. I had
to...
- Hope is Only a Miracle away
(Posted June 03, 2008)
A few years ago, when my wife
and I were drawing up wills, the attorney suggested ...
- Have you Hugged your Coach Today?
(Posted May 15, 2008)
I've been
coaching kids for about 17 years. Basketball, baseball, soccer, and
now tennis...
- Life in the Fast Lane
(Posted April 24, 2008)
We were
cruising down Interstate 5 a couple of weeks ago, heading down to
Southern....
- It's all a Puzzle to me
(Posted April 4, 2008)
I had to call
my mother. I reached for the phone, and confidently pointed my little
finger at the...
- How we Saved the Economy
(Posted March 20, 2008)
It was just
one depressing headline after another. The real estate market was
crumbling,...
- Sometimes you Have to Scream
(Posted February 29, 2008)
It wasn't
as though I didn't have a warning. When I called and left a message
for him ...
- Good Houseguests Need not Talk
(Posted February 8, 2008)
"I
forgot to tell you," my wife mentioned the other morning as I was
downing my morning...
- I'll Text you in the Morning
(Posted January 23, 2008)
We
had a nice family dinner the other night in a fairly decent restaurant.
Included in the...
- Birthdays Require Good Timing
(Posted December 20, 2007)
When I am
King, one of my first acts will be to outlaw sexual intercourse during
the month of...
- An Inspiration to us all
(Posted December 13, 2007)
I have a very close
relative who is one of my heroes. I think about what she's done, and
...
- The Brain is a Horrible Thing
(Posted December 5, 2007)
I hate myself. Well,
actually that's not true. My Self One hates me. My Self Two loves me.
But...
- The Cult of Old People
(Posted November 26, 2007)
We thought they were
our friends. In fact, we introduced them to each other many years
ago...
- An Investment Like no Other
(Posted November 8, 2007)
"I'm off to work,"
I said to my wife last week as I headed out the door for the airport,
suitcase in...
- Name that Face and Win a Prize
(Posted October 25, 2007)
I am facially challenged.
While some may think that pertains to my own face, it does not...
- A Real Crappy Relationship
(Posted October 11, 2007)
Our two little pugs, Lucy
and Rocko, hate me. There is no other explanation. Of course...
- The Big Apple is No Freebie
(Posted October 4, 2007)
"You never
write about me," my 24 year old daughter complained a few months
ago...
- Stability is Good for the Soul
(Posted September 24, 2007)
A lot of people whine
about their in-laws, but not me. I love my in-laws, and I'm thrilled
that...
- An Anniversary like no Other
(Posted September 7, 2007)
My wife and I went to a
25th wedding anniversary party the other night. The lovely...
- Love is Always Worth Repeating
(Posted August 30, 2007)
My 18 year old son and
I were astonished. His girlfriend had never seen "Butch Cassidy
and...
- Beware of the Sunscreen Police
(Posted August 16, 2007)
The scream came from the
bathroom. I was lying on the bed, relaxing after our first full day of
...
- So you Say you Want a Revolution
(Posted August 2, 2007)
After 48
consecutive summers of vacationing at Pinecrest Lake, which is located
in the Sierra...
- It is my Turn to See the World
(Posted July 18, 2007)
A couple
of weeks ago, the phone rang. It was my 25 year old daughter calling.
"Got any...
- Get away to Stay Together
(Posted July 5,
2007)
Every
once in awhile, you hear about a couple that have been married for 55 years
or so and...
- Slow and Steady Wins the Race
(Posted June 27, 2007)
The trip had
been planned for awhile. Six days playing that horrid game of golf,
somewhere...
- Little Bodies can Make Big Noises
(Posted June 13, 2007)
It's one of two things.
Either my wife is making a conscious effort to kick me out of
the...
- Competition can Come in Handy
(Posted June 6, 2007)
Capitalism is a
beautiful thing, but it does raise some questions. For instance, when
you have...
- Public Speaking Should be Private
(Posted May 30, 2007)
I am a
lily-livered, sniveling coward. Not always, mind you. But put me on an
airplane or in front...
- Many Children Left Behind
(Posted May 23, 2007)
"FIVE,
FOUR, THREE, TWO…" The countdown had begun, for approximately
the 17th time in...
- Somebody Just Got Unplugged
(Posted May 16, 2007)
I woke up the other day feeling very manly. My 50-inch, high-definition big
screen television...
- Come Join our Sports Cult
(Posted May 9, 2007)
My wife doesn't
understand me. She thinks I'm shallow, demented, obsessive,
compulsive...
- Roller Coasters are for Weenies
(Posted May 2, 2007)
"Let's
stop at Magic Mountain, let's stop at Magic Mountain!!!! "The
cries came from the...
- Hunting for Eggs and Cash
(Posted April 4, 2007)
Easter Sunday is almost upon us, so it is time to think about Jesus Christ
rising from the dead...
- You can't Watch them Forever
(Posted March , 28, 2007)
My 16 year old son came home from his AAU basketball tournament last weekend
with some...
- When in Doubt, Hire the Comfort Master (Posted
March 21, 2007)
"I have a job for you," my wife said to me as I headed off to work
Monday morning. "It won't take long."
- On the Hunt for Good Meals
(Posted March 14, 2007)
These people that
call themselves "foodies" have nothing on me. When it comes
to eating....
- Luck of the Irish Runs out
(Posted March 7, 2007)
It's
not easy to admit, but I'm the human equivalent of a canine mutt. My
ancestors...
- Aging is for Old People
(Posted Feb 28, 2007)
I wandered into the kitchen the other morning looking pretty darn spiffy, if
I do say so myself...
- Golf your Fortune Away
(Posted Feb 22, 2007)
My
sister bought a lot in one of those fancy golf communities in the Palm
Springs area..
- Goodbye Car, Goodbye Innocence
(Posted February 14, 2007)
In an effort to save
the world, I went out last summer and bought a Mercury Mariner
hybrid...
- In Search of Big Ships and Big Games
(Posted February 7, 2007)
About ten years ago,
when my daughters were 14 and 15 years old, I dragged them kicking...
- Best Seats are on the Couch
(Posted January 31,2007)
For the first
time in as long as I can remember, I won a prize in one of those
charity raffles...
-
My Dog's Dumber than your Dog
(Posted January 24, 2007)
I climbed onto
my stationary bike for a little exercise the other morning, and it
exploded...
- The world is shrinking fast
(Posted January 17, 2007)
I am sooooo
techno. After years of having those old-scholl wires hooked up to my
computer....
- Making the right choices
(Posted January 10, 2007)
My 17-year-old son may
not be aware of it yet, but he's heading off to college...
- Good boys get rewarded
(Posted December 27, 2006)
Santa
sucks. I know that sounds kind of harsh, and I apologize to
any four-year olds...
- The goat who stole Christmas
(Posted December 19, 2006)
One of my
brother-in-laws called the other day from his home in Canada. He
wanted to let...
- Diets are no cause for celebration
(Posted December 12, 2006)
"I have done it," I proudly announced to my
wife the other morning as I stepped off our...
- Little dogs feel the pain
(Posted December 5, 2006)
My wife has
informed me once again that our current dogs, Lucy and Rocko, will be
the last...
- Have you hugged a teacher today?
(Posted on November 28, 2006)
My 25 year old daughter,
whose claim to fame was being named "Ms. Saturday Night" ....
- To drive, or not to drive
(Posted on November 21, 2006)
We
were gliding along Interstate 5 a few weeks ago, heading down to San
Diego for a short family vacation...
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