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DON'T ASK US
HOW WE'RE DOING |
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If you're under 60, you may not relate to this column quite as much
as those over 60. But read on, because it will give you an idea what's in
store for you.
All of what follows is true, although perhaps slightly exaggerated.
I would know, because I was there.
The Scene: A restaurant in San Francisco, where five high
school friends, all in their late 60's, have lunch every Monday, depending
on who's available. Called the Roundtable, it's been going on for over 40
years. Only the conversation has changed.
Cast of Characters: (names changed to protect the infirm):
Fabio, Jimbo, Edgar, Horatio and Nick (busted).
The friends shuffle in, shake hands, and sit in the seats they always sit
in. No changes allowed. There's some quick small talk about the Warriors
beating the Celtics for the championship, a tidbit or two about a kid or
grandkid, and then it's on to business.
Fabio: How's your hip, Nick?
Nick: (sighing) For the 1000th time, my hip is fine, Fabio.
It's my nerve pain in my leg and my vertigo and my stiff back that's my
current problem.
Edgar: I've got someone you can see for that nerve pain. He's
a miracle worker.
Horatio: Have you tried apple cider vinegar? I've heard it
helps.
Jimbo: Do you think the Warriors will be able to keep
Wiggins? (Everyone ignores him-Warriors are old news).
Horatio: Who wants to hear about my heart palpitations?
Edgar: We'll give you three minutes, but then I want to
discuss my spinal stenosis.
Fabio: I just came from the audiologist. I've got to get new
hearing aids. $7000. Can you believe it?
Edgar: Does Medicare cover that? (Cue 10 minute conversation
on health insurance gripes).
Nick: Let's get our order in. I'm on a diet. I need to lose
those five pounds I've been trying to lose for 27 years.
Edgar: Want to split a cheeseburger and a salmon BLT, with
fries?
Nick: (grabbing some sourdough bread and butter) OK. Might
as well make it 28 years.
Fabio: (once orders have been placed) OK, let's continue the
organ recital. Horatio has the floor.
Horatio: Thanks. I'll be brief. With these near constant
heart palpitations, I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
Edgar: Got it. Thanks, Horatio. We'll miss you. (shouting)
Fabio, what do you have besides your loss of hearing?
Fabio: Well, I've got my bum knee, a fake hip and several
spots that could be melanoma. I'm seeing a dermatologist next week.
Nick: You'll be fine. It's probably just basal cells or
squamosh cells. A little Mohs surgery and you'll live. (thus began a 10
minute conversation on skin cancers)
Edgar: Enough about skin cancer! It's my turn! I can hardly
walk with my spinal stenosis.
Jimbo: You've been talking about it for three years now. Can
we move on? Let's talk about sex, drugs and rock and roll, just like we
did in the old days.
Everyone: YEAH!
A moment of silence ensues. Finally, someone speaks up.
Fabio: While we're talking about glory days, let's throw in
sports, too.
Nick: I'll start. Who remembers how fast I used to be?
Jimbo: I just watched you walk to the bathroom. Hard
to believe.
Nick: Thanks. At least I remember when you had hair.
Horatio: Do you guys realize we spend about 70% of our time
talking about age and our ailments. We're only in our 60's. What are we
going to talk about in our 70's and 80's?
Edgar: I'd rather not think about it. Maybe we'll get back
to sex, drugs and rock and roll.
Fabio: I guarantee at least drugs will be on the agenda. Sex
and rock and roll might be a stretch.
Nick: I propose we limit health discussion to no more than
20% of the conversation in all future lunches. I know we can't talk
politics without coming to blows, so what other subjects should be on the
table?
Edgar: I'm getting a headache thinking about it. I've been
getting a lot of them lately.
Fabio: You probably have a brain tumor.
Edgar: Do you think I should get it checked out?
Horatio: You'll be fine. But that's what my Aunt Bessie
thought, right before she dropped dead of a cerebral hemorrhage.
(As the curtain closes, a 10 minute discussion of blood clots
ensues) |
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