|
| |
|
FINDING AN ENEMY
IS NOT ALWAYS EASY |
|
I was reading the morning paper last week and it seemed like
an opportune time to tell my wife that we were finished. "Our
relationship is over," I announced. "We are no longer friends,
let alone lovers."
"That's nice," she replied, not even bothering to
sound alarmed. "Any particular reason?"
"You're a Canadian, born and raised," I said,
pointing to a story in the paper. "You've been taking advantage of
Americans like me for too long. Just like our President and his problems
with Justin Trudeau, I've had enough of our weak, dishonest Northern
so-called neighbors."
"Does it matter that I've been in the United States
since 1975 and became a U.S. citizen in 1987?"
"Nice try. I also noticed you never renounced your
Canadian citizenship. For all I know, you're a Canadian spy."
She didn't seem particularly interested in my tirade. So I
did a little research and then called her brother, who lives just outside
of Montreal.
"I'm done with you," I said when he answered his
cell phone. "You've been taking advantage of us
poor Americans for far too long."
"Are you talking about what your President has said is a
monumental trade deficit?" he innocently asked.
"That's right," I replied. "He said it might
be as high as $100 billion, and he always does his research before he
speaks."
That didn't go over well. My Canadian brother-in-law
immediately mentioned that according to the Office of the United States
Trade Representative, the U.S actually had an $8.4 billion trade surplus
with Canada, but a $17.5 billion trade deficit if services were excluded.
Then he had the audacity to criticize our President for making grandiose
statements.
"That's going to cost you money, buster!" I said
indignantly. "We may stop all trading with you unless you reduce
tariffs and trade barriers. No one can criticize our President and not
expect to pay the consequences."
"He called our Prime Minister 'weak and
dishonest,'" he weakly retorted. "You guys are the ones starting
this fight."
And what a fight it was going to be. Now that North Korea was
our new buddy, and Iran relegated to the back pages, we needed a new enemy
and Canada was the perfect choice. It wasn't going to be easy, but we
could all learn to hate Canadians.
All we needed was ammunition, and I had some ready to fire.
"Do you know that approximately 33,000 Canadians move to the U.S.
every year, and only about 9000 Americans move to Canada each year,"
I said. "And we have 10 times the population. We're being invaded
from the North!"
"Are you suggesting we build a wall along our 5000 mile
border?" he innocently asked. "And have Canada pay for it so
that no Canadian drug dealers, criminals or rapists enter the United
States."
"That would help improve our strained relations," I
replied, sensing some capitulation on my brother-in-law's part. "And
we would appreciate it if you promise to rid yourself of all nuclear
weapons as well, as our friends in North Korea have promised."
"We already did, voluntarily, in 1984," he answered. "We
have no weapons of mass destruction. We also have stringent gun control,
one of the lowest murder rates in the world, universal health care, and
fabulously clean air."
Smug little bastard. No wonder they're quickly becoming our
#1 enemy. Not only are they taking advantage of us, they're laughing all
the way to the bank. I thought about listing all the merits of the United
States, but instead decided to hang up.
When I got home that night, I informed the suspected
Canadian spy that I had talked to her brother and let him know that we
were on the brink of war. No longer would we be breaking bread together,
at least until relations thaw.
"When do you expect that to happen?" asked the
suspected spy, searching for a tidbit she could report back to her
Canadian superiors.
"Two things could happen that might help. First, I read
in The Borowitz Report that Kim Jong Un has offered to broker peace talks
between the United States and Canada. With a peace-loving statesman like
Kim leading the way, maybe we can find common ground."
"That makes sense. But if that doesn't work, what is the
second option?" asked the suspected spy.
I sighed, very deeply. "2020, my dear. The year
2020."
|
|
|
