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I'D LIKE TO COMPLIMENT
YOUR COMPLIMENTS
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Some readers might remember that a few months ago I wrote a
column detailing how a marriage could flourish if each partner said "I
love you" to each other at least once a day.
The less romantic readers wanted to puke, but others thought it
to be a wonderful idea, and I'm certain many marriages were saved by my
example and the detailed "Rules of Engagement" (no 'love ya,'
30-minute waiting period for reciprocity, etc.).
I assumed my marriage counseling business would boom, but it
has been surprisingly quiet. So it's very clear that I need to add another
component to my recipe for marital bliss. Naturally, once again I selected
my wife for the next experiment.
"You want me to give you a compliment every day?" she
cried after I explained my latest theory. "I already tell you 'I love
you' once a day. Isn't that enough?"
"Nope," I replied, looking at my notes. "I
looked it up. 'Giving genuine and specific compliments in a marriage
strengthens emotional intimacy, builds trust and fosters appreciation.'
Considering you haven't given me a compliment in 12 years, we've got some
work to do."
"I think you're exaggerating a bit," she said.
"I told you just the other day that you're not as bad a dresser as you
used to be."
I ignored her and continued reading. "Compliments are more
than just kind words---compliments tell your partner, 'I notice you,' and
that simple act can build a sense of closeness."
I put down my notes and looked her up and down. "Your hair
looks especially lovely today," I exclaimed.
"My hair is a mess. I'm going to the hairdresser later
today. Nice timing."
"It's the thought that counts. What have you got for
me?"
There was a long silence, which was a bit uncomfortable.
Finally, she responded. "Can you write down a list of compliments I can
use?"
"That kind of defeats the purpose," I said, a bit
dejectedly. "But the internet does have plenty of examples. I'll give
you a few to get you started."
I pulled out my notes again and read a few:
"I'm in awe of how you handle tough situations. You have
this inner strength that really shines when things get hard."
"I love how kind you are to everyone around you. It's such
a rare and beautiful quality."
"You have this calming energy about you that makes
everything feel a little lighter when you're around."
And my personal favorite: "Being with you has really
taught me how to communicate better. I've learned so much from the way you
approach things."
My wife had a very uncomplimentary look on her face.
"You've got to be kidding. The chances of me saying something like that
are zero. I'm not a soap opera actress."
I was expecting as much. She happened to be in the kitchen
preparing her breakfast. While we were talking she handed me a new jar of
peanut butter that she couldn't open. With a mighty effort I got the top to
twist off.
"Thanks," she said, as she always does, turning away.
"Ahem," I coughed, signaling an incredible
opportunity and learning moment had just arisen.
She turned back and the realization that she could make me feel
truly seen and appreciated swept across her face. She grabbed me by the
shoulders, looked me in the eye and said the words that would foster a deep
emotional connection between us:
"You're sooooooo strong!"
Bingo! We were on our way to marital bliss. I repeated the
Rules of Engagement that worked so well with the "I love you"
campaign, adding that compliments need not be given every day when one of us
is out of town. Seemed only fair.
I then explained that compliments can be about appearance,
actions, character traits or things you admire about your partner. She began
thinking hard. Maybe a little too hard.
It's been only a week now, but the experiment is thriving.
One-a-day compliments are flowing. Genuineness and authenticity
is a bit of a problem sometimes, but we're working on that.
And this time my marriage counseling business is bound to take
off.
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