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THESE GENES HAVE
A STORY TO TELL
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What a lovely way to start the day. I walked into our kitchen
about a month ago and was greeted by the sight of my wife spitting into a
test tube.
"May I ask what you're doing?" I commented, although
I pretty much had already guessed the answer.
"I'm checking my DNA," she replied as she held the
little tube up and examined whether she had enough saliva to meet the
requirements. "Everybody's doing it. I want to see what I'm made
of."
I wasn't about to talk her out of it, for two reasons. One, she
had already paid for it and received the kit, and two, I had done the same
thing a couple of years ago. I paid Ancestry.com about $59 to find out my
genetic makeup. I don't remember the exact results, but I think I came in
95% Neanderthal and 5% Mutt.
"I don't see why you're bothering to go through with it,
though," I said as she put the cap on the tube and prepared to mail it
for testing. "Your mother's French, your father's half French, you look
French and you speak French. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're at
least 75% French."
She informed me it wasn't just about genetic origin. She
had paid $199 for the Cadillac of DNA testing from the company 23andMe (the
23 stands for the number of chromosomes in the human body). Not only would
she receive a report on her genetic origin, but she would also receive
reports detailing what her DNA revealed about her health, traits and
susceptibility to certain diseases.
"That should be interesting," I said. "It's
amazing what we can learn from a little spit."
The results came back last week, and after perusing them with a
bemused smile, she quietly handed the report over to me.
"YOU FRAUD!" I shouted. "You're only 30% French!
You're more British and Irish than French. You should have spoken Gaelic
while growing up in Quebec!"
"Yeah, that was a bit surprising," she admitted.
"I guess my French ancestors slept around more than I thought."
She was more interested, though, in the other reports.
The 23 and Me braintrust had found 1090 DNA relatives in my wife's DNA
family, going back five generations. I'm not sure how they got information
from people who lived in the 18th century, and I didn't ask.
Nevertheless, the report was adamant about its findings. For instance, the
first fact that jumped out from the page was that compared to the average
23andMe customer, my wife's DNA relatives, and my wife, are 89% more likely
to have worked as a lifeguard.
"That makes sense," I said, nodding agreeably.
"You worked in the ski patrol in high school, so that probably counts.
Genetics don't lie."
The 89% was the most definitive attribute. The list went on and
on. She was 36% more likely to be able to do the side splits (she can't),
15% more likely to be able to wiggle her nose (she can't), 13% more likely
to have a gap between her two front teeth (she had braces---who knows?) and
11% less likely to drink espresso drinks (she does).
"OK, I agree that stuff is a little silly," she said.
"But check out the report on fear of heights. That definitely makes
sense."
She was referring to the 750,000 23andMe participants of
European descent who contributed their genetic data and survey responses on
fear of heights. 392 genetic markers were identified with that phobia, and
when my wife's DNA was examined, it was found that she was more likely than
average to be afraid of heights.
"Well, they got that one right," I admitted, perusing
the list. "But how about more likely to be overweight? (she isn't),
likely prefers salty? (she doesn't), and less likely to hate chewing sounds?
(drives her nuts)."
She had paid $199 and wasn't going to give up quietly.
"OK, I'm also likely to have hazel eyes, which I do, and dark hair,
which I do, and... (desperately perusing the list, finding the
clincher)...wake up around 6:53 a.m., which I do....sometimes."
"You've got me there," I conceded, taking the list
back from her. "It looks like your $199 was well spent. And if there
was any doubt," I added, reading from the report, "your genetic
muscle composition is common in elite power athletes."
"I knew it!" she exclaimed. "I've been
underperforming all these years. All I needed was some confirmation!"
That, and $199.
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