|
| |
|
IT'S NOT MUCH FUN
BEING A TARGET
|
|
Want to feel young? Want to feel spry and healthy? Want to feel
like you've got life by the horns and nothing can make you let go? Then
don't watch the evening news on television.
This has nothing to do with the content of the news, as
depressing as it might be. I can handle that. It's the commercials that will
make you feel like you're at death's door.
Apparently, no one under the age of 55 watches NBC Nightly News
with Lester Holt. This is made abundantly clear by the commercials, which
target decrepit, disease-ridden, financial imbeciles like myself.
With our kids long gone, and conversation about our day quickly
out of the way, my wife and I like to eat dinner with Lester and see what's
going on in the world. Usually he's on our DVR and we can race through
the commercials. But occasionally we watch him live, like we did the other
day, and suffer accordingly.
"How are you feeling?" I asked after the last
commercial ended. It happened to be for Prevalent, which is supposed to
improve short term memory.
"I'm surprised I'm alive," she responded. "It's
hard to believe I don't have any of these medical problems."
In the course of the half-hour broadcast, we had seen
advertisements for Xeljanz (rheumatoid arthritis), Xarelto (blood clots),
Otezia (psoriasis), Trulicity (diabetes) and Epclusa (hepatitis C). Then
there were the commercials for non-prescription medical problems, such as
Advil, Aleve, Coricidin and Robitussin.
For those of us who were not yet afflicted with all those
ailments, the Madison Avenue whippersnappers targeted us for retirement
planning. Fidelity Wealth Management and Ameritrade Retirement Planning
suggested we get our act together before it's too late.
"Geez, that was fun!" I exclaimed as I prepared to
change the channel once Lester signed off. "We should watch the
commercials more often."
"I particularly was interested in the potential side
effects of some of those drugs," my wife added. "The disclaimers
lasted longer than the benefits."
She was referring to the low-key language of the nice gentleman
who quietly announced that taking, for instance, Xeljanz for rheumatoid
arthritis might evoke upper respiratory tract infections, headache,
diarrhea, yellowing of the skin or eyes, severe stomach pain, vomiting, skin
rash and shortness of breath, among others.
"Yep, that was enlightening," I said. "At least
it isn't known to possibly cause cancer and suicidal thoughts, like some of
the other drug disclaimers."
We both let out a loud sigh, and before I could change the
channel, one last commercial came on, and it was a local feed. The wonders
of Cache Creek Casino filled the screen.
"After watching depressing news and more depressing
commercials, I guess they think you're going to just gamble it all away in
one wild weekend," I said. "Well, they're targeting the wrong
crowd with us!"
I reached over and high-fived my healthy wife. Energized, I
proudly changed the channel to the local news on KPIX and the first
commercial came on. We watched it in silence, wide-eyed.
It was a commercial to call an 800 number to receive two free
booklets. The first was called "My Final Wishes," and the second
had the catchy title, "Nine Things Every Senior Needs to Know About
Funerals."
"NOOOOO!" I cried. "Doesn't anyone under 55
watch the local news, either! I don't want to be targeted anymore. I'll
never complain about a beer or car commercial again, I promise!"
My wife moved closer and patted me on the back as we glumly
watched the commercial. It was from an insurance company trying to sell a
$20,000 policy to cover funeral expenses. I don't think the commercial will
be up for a Clio award anytime soon.
In the span of 35 minutes, we had been targeted for medical
mayhem, financial ruin, and finally, death. It's no wonder we were feeling a
little like dinosaurs right before the Ice Age hit.
"We have two choices," I announced as we watched a
local news event. "The first choice is we never watch the news unless
it's on the DVR and we can fast forward the commercials."
"What's our second choice?" my wife asked.
"Order the two free booklets and then go to Cache Creek
Casino and gamble our life away."
Wisely, we chose the DVR.
|
|
|
