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THERE'S ALWAYS LESSONS 
TO BE LEARNED

   From the emails I receive, it seems what readers like most about this column is that it humorously reflects on the realities of life. With that in mind, I've got a doozy of a story to tell.
   Basically, it starts with my wife thinking she might be having a heart attack and ends with me winning five dollars on the golf course. In between, there are lessons to be learned.
   The story begins a week ago Sunday, when my incredibly healthy, vibrant, athletic, non-smoking, organic-eating wife had a severe pain in her chest while reading the morning paper.
  I'm a natural worrier, but I wasn't overly concerned, despite her cries of anguish. "Heartburn," I deduced, despite having absolutely no medical expertise. "You always get heartburn."
   "This feels different," she said as the pain persisted. "I need to lie down."
   When it continued for another few minutes, I suggested calling our next door neighbor, who is a retired doctor. My wife readily agreed, which did make me worry---a little.
   By the time our neighbor arrived, stethoscope in hand, the pain was gone and my wife was 100% back to normal. The whole episode had lasted about seven minutes.
   "I'm sure it's nothing," the retired doctor said in soothing tones, "but it's always smart to go to the hospital and get evaluated."
   That made sense, especially because we have medical insurance. So after our neighbor left, my wife said she'd make an appointment for sometime during the week. Then she left for a hike with a friend and I left for a Sunday afternoon golf game.
  I was in the car when my neighbor called. "Are you on the way to the hospital?" she asked.
  I told her my wife had gone for a hike with a friend, was feeling fine, and would get checked out this week. Like any responsible doctor, she wasn't buying it.
   "She needs to go now," she insisted. "You should drive her."
   I called my wife and reported the news. And then, let it be known, I offered to drive her. She graciously said she'd drive herself, and insisted I go play golf. Well, maybe she didn't insist, but she definitely didn't object.
   So off I went, in one of the dumber spousal moves of all time. By the time I got to the first tee, my wife had reported via text that her EKG and X-ray was perfect and she was just awaiting the results of some blood tests.
   "Can you believe my focus?" I said to my friends as I striped a drive right down the middle of the fairway. "All I can see are wires protruding from my wife's body. Just being out here with you guys is a profile in courage!"
    As we got to the fourth hole, I courageously risked banishment from this particular private course by pulling out my cell phone, which is forbidden. Gallant husband that I am, nothing was going to stop me from checking on my wife.
   "Still there?" I texted.
   "The blood test results won't come back for awhile," she replied. "I just have to wait here."
   Damn. I thought for sure she'd be out of there already. Both of us were still 99.9% certain she was fine, but I was feeling more guilty by the moment for not being there, even though she wasn't asking.
   On the seventh hole, I stood over a two foot par putt that none of my playing partners wanted to concede to me, so I pulled the sympathy card. "MY WIFE'S IN THE HOSPITAL FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE!" I cried. "THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS GIVE ME THE PUTT!"
   The heartless bastards still made me putt it. I don't really want to talk about whether I made it or not. Let's just say my mind was elsewhere.
   On the 12th hole, I risked expulsion once again by actually calling her on my cell phone. One of our daughters answered.
   "She's still here," she said with a touch of sarcasm. "And what's left of her loving family is here with her."
   Damn. I had no idea it would take so long. I quickly decided to withdraw my nomination for Husband of the Year. And I told my daughter I was going to give her any winnings I made from bets on the golf course.
   When I called again after the 18th hole, they were on their way to dinner at a nice restaurant. All tests, as expected, came back normal. I offered them the $5 I won, but was told I'd need it to buy my own dinner.
 

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