|
| |
|
THE SECRET IS PICKING
THE RIGHT WAR |
|
As I write this, I'm sitting on the deck of the lone house on a
two-acre island in the Laurentians, 50 miles north of Montreal, a
five-minute speedboat ride from shore. The lake is called Lac de
Seize Iles (Lake of Sixteen Islands) and my wife's brother and
sister-in-law happen to own one of the 16.
The house and accompanying boathouse are modest, but the view
of the lake and surrounding hills is spectacular. Crystal clear water,
majestic trees, the occasional water skier or wakeboarder gliding
by---it's simply an incredibly relaxing and delightful place.
It has rained all morning, and the sun just came out,
revealing a brilliant blue sky. The air was crisp and clean, and I drew
yet another deep breath of no forest fire smoke, marveling in the beauty
of it all.
"My mind is made up," I said to my brother-in-law,
who was sitting nearby. "We're invading Canada."
"Excuse me?" he asked
I gently explained my reasons. First of all, after our latest
defeat in Afghanistan, we desperately need a win. My guess is that Canada
would put up as much resistance as the Caribbean island of Granada did
when we invaded in 1983. The war was over in a week.
Before and since then, it's been ugly. Some might argue the
1991 Gulf War, when we liberated Kuwait, was a victory. But if it was, it
was short-lived. No, our self-esteem would be much better served tangling
with Caribbean islands or our peace-loving Northern neighbor.
"You'll love being American," I said to my
brother-in-law. "You've always been obsessed with our politics, and
once our invasion is complete we'll reward you with the opportunity to
vote!"
He wasn't convinced, but I was. I thought about all that rain
that fell in the morning hours. We wouldn't have to buy Canadian water to
erase our drought, we'd just take it. And all that fresh air---no fires
burning with these water-soaked trees.
Sure, it's a little cold, but with global warming, that will
change soon. The only question is whether Montreal, Vancouver or Edmonton
will become the next Spring Break destination. My guess is all three.
"Once the invasion is complete," my brother-in-law
innocently asked, "are you going to become part of the Commonwealth
or will that be a thing of the past?"
Good question. While Americans knew nothing about Canadian
politics, they certainly knew plenty about the Royal Family. One of my
favorite shows is "The Crown" on Netflix.
"Count us in," I replied. "I've had a crush on
Princess Kate for years. I have no problem being under her influence. And
I know Harry and Meghan wouldn't object, considering they've already moved
to Southern California. They could use the water, too."
A couple of kayakers were paddling by. There was a good
chance they were American, since about half of the people owning houses on
the lake were American citizens. They couldn't even vacation here last
year because the borders were closed due to the pandemic. That won't
happen again, once we take over.
"I want to be clear," I said, noticing he was
getting nervous. "This will be a bloodless coup. The only reason I'm
suggesting we invade Canada is because you won't fight back."
"Don't be so sure," he replied. "We could
always kill you with kindness."
I told him we would take that chance. And then I explained
that our 700 billion per year military budget would be wasted without a
conquest or two. We'll just line up our tanks at the border, do a few
thousand flyovers, and wait for the surrender.
"You'd be nuts to resist us," I added. "Maybe
if you had a lot of caves and rugged terrain, but you really don't. You've
got more in common with Grenada than you do Afghanistan."
I gazed out over the lake once again, thinking that it could
soon be mine, no passport needed. I could see some rain clouds in the
distance, and I knew more water was on the way.
"I hope I don't sound too imperialistic," I said.
"I plan on respecting many of Canada's traditions once we take over,
including ice hockey."
He was off to go fishing in the soon-to-be American waters.
"How about our tradition of not flaunting our military and generally
minding our own business?"
I saw his point. I quickly decided that once Canada was in
our hands, there was no need to get greedy. Aruba was safe, for now.
|
|
|
