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THREE SECRETS TO
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP |
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As a certified member of the esteemed group, Worst Sleepers
in the World, I feel particularly qualified to offer my three suggestions
for a good night's sleep. I finally figured it out.
1. FIND A GOOD PILLOW
This can be a lifelong search, as it was for me. Ever since I
can remember, I've been tortured by pillows. Too soft, too hard, too
lumpy, too fat, too thin. I finally settled on a combination of a thin
base pillow, topped by a medium top pillow. But it wasn't enough to quite
stifle my whining.
That's where my wife comes in. She remembered that I actually
found nirvana one night. It was at the Meadowood Resort in St. Helena,
where we were attending a wedding about five years ago. I woke up raving
about the pillow.
Unfortunately, it took her five years of my incessant whining
to remember. But she did, and after painstaking research, found the pillow
on downetc.com. It's called the Rhapsody Wrap, and she surprised me with
it last Christmas.
It may be the nicest thing she's ever done for me. I now tuck
my arm under one pillow, not two, and sink my head into its lovely
clutches. No more whining. I'm not sure who's happier, me or my wife.
2. GET RID OF COTTON (DRY) MOUTH FOREVER
This is not a problem for everyone, but it is for me. Nose gets
stuffed up during the night and I wake up with a mouthful of sandpaper. I
dislodge my tongue from its cement foothold and slowly lick my lips back
into some sense of life. Three minutes later, the process repeats. The
nose is stuffed up, and nothing will unstuff it.
I lay awake hoping there won't be a home invasion because I fear
the intruders will put duct tape over my mouth. I'd be dead in two
minutes.
It doesn't happen every night, but certainly more often than
I'd like. I've tried nasal strips, nasal sprays, and humidifiers. Nothing
works. Until now.
My sister recommended it, and I guess I can thank both her
and the pandemic. She got an air purifier, and noticed she was sleeping
better. She said, among other things, it gets rid of "stale
air."
My nose apparently hates stale air. Once we plugged in our
new $175 Honeywell air purifier, I was breathing like a racehorse all
night. It's worth a try for anyone with Elmer's Glue tongue.
That leaves me with just one more secret to a good night's
sleep, which I will divulge shortly. Because while my sleep has improved
with my Rhapsody pillow and stale air remover, I must admit that I am
still a horrible sleeper. And the older I get the worse I become.
I'm out like a rock for about three hours, and then I'm awake
for one or two hours. This is the time I stare at the ceiling and solve
all of the world's problems. Then I toss and turn until morning.
Some nights I don't feel like solving all the world's
problems. So I turn to my third and final secret to a good night's sleep.
3. DRUGS
This is where you have to be very, very careful. I've never
taken a sleeping pill in my life, because I know I'd like it too much. At
first I tried the natural route, Melatonin, and that didn't work. Then
friends recommended cannabis (non-addictive CBD, not the hallucinogen
THC). That didn't work, either.
That leaves me with Advil PM or Tylenol PM. They work pretty
well, but using too often is a recipe for potential trouble. There's
dispute over whether those over-the-counter drugs can be addictive, and
I'd rather not find out.
So the answer as to what drug is the secret to a good night's
sleep is that many of them are. Unfortunately, it's not wise to use any of
them all the time. Better to solve all the world's problems in the middle
of the night, with maybe a couple of Advil PM's when I need an occasional
break.
I'm sure I'll hear from readers with miraculous cures for
restless sleepers, and I'll appreciate it. Maybe one of them will work. It
will be a nice payback for my tips about the Rhapsody pillow and the air
purifiers. As for my third secret, it's probably best to just throw that
one out. Too obvious, too troublesome.
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