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SEARCHING FOR
THE PERFECT MATE |
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As my little eyes opened a few mornings ago after a typical
restless night's sleep, I watched my wife spring out of bed. No
stretching, no yawning---just powering into the day.
She was in and out of the bedroom a few times, darting this
way and that, before she finally planted herself in the kitchen and
prepared a healthy breakfast---for her.
It was my turn. I slowly rolled over to the side of the bed
and gingerly placed my feet on the floor. Checking to make sure I had no
Vertigo, I creakily stood up and waited for the blood to get to my legs.
Once I could feel them again, I shuffled to the bathroom, and then to the
kitchen.
It seemed like an appropriate time to break the news to her.
"I want a divorce," I calmly said.
She barely looked up from her yogurt and fruit concoction.
"That's nice. May I ask why?"
I was very prepared with the answer. "I'm leaving you
for an older woman."
Still not much of a reaction. "Do I know her?"
"I haven't met her yet," I replied. "But I'm
assuming there's endless possibilities out there. I'll probably start with
a little online dating."
"I think the general idea is for rotten men to leave
their wives for younger women," she answered. "You're bucking
the trend again. Any reason?"
Easy answer--I already had a younger woman. My wife was born
18 months after me. The problem is that she's about 20 years younger when
it comes to aging. She looks 20 years younger and she moves like
she's 20 years younger. I feel like an old man in comparison.
"I figured you'd want to know why I was leaving you for
an older woman," I said, pulling out a piece of paper I prepared.
"So I wrote my online profile for when I'm single again and
searching. Go ahead and read it."
She reluctantly grabbed the paper, albeit with a snort, and
began reading
OLDER MAN SEEKING OLDER WOMAN
69 year old man with recent hip replacement and back surgery seeks woman
who understands aging. Replacement parts not essential, but helpful.
Willing to take long, very slow walks while discussing ailments. Must
either hate dancing or be unable to do so. Sharing stories of trying to
lose 10 pounds for 30 years a plus.
"That is definitely not you," I said as she
disgustingly tossed the paper back to me. "You meet none of the
criteria for my new perfect woman. That's why I'm leaving you."
"Sorry about my genetics," she replied. "And I
haven't abused my body over the years with multiple sports, like you have.
But if you want an older woman, go for it."
I didn't think she'd cave that easily. "To tell you the
truth, I'd prefer to stay married to you," I replied. "Dating is
a crapshoot."
"So what do you want from me?"
That was a good question. I kind of liked her looking like
she was in her late 40's. I just wanted her to pretend to be as old as me.
A complaint here, a complaint there---that would do it. And I told her so.
"And it would be nice if you'd slow down a bit on those
few times you go on walks with me," I continued. "That idea of
putting a ball on a string and tying it to your waist to make me keep up
would look kind of foolish. Just slow down and smell the roses."
"I'll try," she said. "What else?"
"Maybe gain a few pounds so we can go on a diet
together. You've never had to watch what you eat in your life. I could use
a little teamwork when it comes to losing those pesky ten pounds."
"You need to lose 15," she replied, clearly not
interested in joining me. And it was doubtful she'd slow her walking,
either. She was a freak of nature, and I was not.
I looked down at the online dating profile I wrote. My wife
had no body parts replaced, she had no ailments, and she would never gain
weight. I was destined to be the old one in the pairing.
Sooner or later, though, she would understand aging. Everyone
does. I may or may not be there to see it, but it's nice to know she'll
finally understand me.
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