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THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN
OF THE HOPPE SCALE |
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Cue the evil music. You know, the deep, dark, pounding of the
piano that foretells something very sinister about to happen. And then the
voice---as evil as can be, with a dastardly laugh after he delivers the
following word:
"O......MICRON!!!"
Who comes up with these names? Obviously, it's someone who wants to
strike fear in the general public, despite the evidence that shows Omicron
to be far less serious than previous variants.
In May of 2021, the World Health Organization (WHO) decided
to use the Greek alphabet to name prominent variants. So they came up with
Delta, which sounded okay and wasn't, and then jumped right to (cue deep
music) O..MICRON! How about Alpha, or Beta, or Omega? Nah, way too docile.
So we're stuck with Omicron, which is spreading like wildfire
and disrupting lives everywhere. As a result, I am re-introducing The
Hoppe Scale, which has saved countless lives all around the world by
helping people avoid each other.
For those readers who missed it, The Hoppe Scale was unveiled
in July of 2020, right in the heart of the lockdown. I fully expected it
to fade into history by now, but Omicron had other ideas. So it's back,
and everyone needs to reassess their comfort level. I know I have.
Remember, like the equally famous Richter Scale, my scale
allows incrementals. You can be a 4.2 and want nothing to do with a 1.4,
or you can be a 3.3 and maybe hang out with a 2.5. Here's the scale,
unchanged from July 2020:
LEVEL FIVE: The ultimate hermit. Hasn't left the house
since March 16, 2020 and probably won't be seen until 2023. Deliveries are
to the doorstep, and either left there for two days for the virus to
dissipate, or thoroughly sanitized before entering the house. Love their
friends and family members, but consider them all disease-ridden Super
Spreaders.
LEVEL FOUR: Leaves the house occasionally, but only
for walks and trips to the grocery store. Scowls at people walking the
wrong way in grocery store aisles. Sometimes wears a mask while driving
alone. Might attend a small social gathering, but will bring their own
food and drink. Hands are usually dry and scaly from washing.
LEVEL THREE: Anything outdoors that allows social
distancing is okay. Wears a mask most of the time outdoors when others are
around, and always indoors (when in public). Will socialize with friends
and family, but feels a little reckless and vulnerable after it's over.
Reads carefully every article that condones their actions. Skims and
cringes at every article that doesn't. Doesn't expect to catch the virus,
and is pretty sure they'll be fine if they do.
LEVEL TWO: Will reluctantly wear a mask indoors, but
seldom wears it outdoors. Thinks most of the rules are ridiculous. Calls
COVID-19 a "stinkin' flu. Will socialize with anyone, as long as
they're not coughing or sneezing in their face. Pretty sure they have
antibodies that will protect them. If not, their immaculate immune system
will do the trick.
LEVEL ONE: Totally invincible. Thinks the crisis is
completely overblown. Has no fear. Would attend a COVID-19 party where the
first one to catch the virus wins. Thinks the virus came from drinking
Corona beer. Masks are for weenies. Wears one only when forced to, and
voices their displeasure, quite often rudely.
So there it is. I'm publishing it again because so much has
changed since July, 2020. We had no vaccine, the death rate and
hospitalizations were very scary, and most of us were pretty darn worried
about catching a virus that could possibly kill us.
Now the majority of us are vaccinated, and many of us
boosted. The overwhelming majority of the hospitalizations and deaths are
among the unvaccinated (hello, Level One!). Omicron is clearly more
contagious, but far less potent. Some call it a blessing, others call it a
fourth shot. Those that get it, and we all know many who have, either have
no symptoms or feel ill for a few days. And, as an added bonus, they
develop a heightened level of immunity.
My point is that we're headed in the right direction. Instead
of panic and fear, I'm going with guarded optimism. The surge is expected
to fade soon, and my vaccine will protect me from serious illness if I get
Omicron and hopefully with whatever follows. That's what we always wanted.
Everyone has their own level of comfort. As for me, thanks to
the vaccine and Omicron's lack of severity (despite its name), I'm
lowering my level on The Hoppe Scale. I was a 3.5 in July, 2020 and now
I'm a 2.4. I'll be delighted to hang out with anyone 2.0 and above.
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